He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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