I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
