I feel like abortions should bother me more
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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