I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
