So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
