I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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