you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
