What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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