It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
