I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
