I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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