Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
