Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
