Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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