so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
