YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
This is classic penis vs brain.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
