you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
