The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
