I hate your face
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
