Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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