i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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