Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Boobs are out for the taking
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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