Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
God I need to hump something, right now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
