Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
