my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize