he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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