just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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