i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
