My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
