What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize