I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
