In America we eat man semen.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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