I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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