I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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