I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
