ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
When are your genitals available?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
