they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize