it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
