And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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