i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
