help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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