just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
