Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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