it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
