Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
