1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
