i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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