Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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