So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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