i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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