his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize