Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
