I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
