shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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