My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize