hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
