Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
