I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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