She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
