My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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