A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
