my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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