I wish I only lived at night.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
