halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
