Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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