i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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